Thawing and Healing Winter
by MysteryFan15
Summary: The Winter Soldier attempts to punish H.Y.D.R.A. and regain lost memories. Pushed to his breaking point by his own guilt and trauma, he turns himself over to newly formed S.H.I.E.L.D. But Captain America doesn't leave a friend behind and despite well-meaning critics, he is determine to stand with Bucky till the end of the line. No slash, lots of friendship and support.
1. Chapter 1

Every muscle, every bone in his body aches as he makes his way to shore slowly treading water. His right arm, dislocated and practically useless, does little to propel him forward. The body of Captain America is heavy on his back. Everything is fuzzy and he can hardly process why he is helping this man.

His enemy

His mission

He can't remember being this drained after a job before, but a lot is fuzzy lately. It's like the years of not remembering have piled up and all that consumes him is the frustration of not being able to remember anything. _HYDRA must be obeyed_ is the only thing constant in his universe.

He finally reaches the shallows where he can stand before his knees buckle beneath him. He briefly considers dropping his burden right there but something in him rebelled at the thought of leaving the man he just rescued to possibly drown in the few feet of water. He shook his head tiredly and dragged the unconscious body up to the bank before lowering him to the ground. He pauses for only a moment to look back before heading the opposite direction.

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><p>Walking into the museum he had no idea what he was even looking for. The streets had been buzzing with HYDRA intel, apparently leaked during or after his failed mission. Snatches of speculation from various civilian conversations on the street doesn't give him the complete picture he needs.<p>

Now staring at the face that is his and yet is so different he can hardly reconcile the two, he still doesn't know all wants, but, as he steels his jaw, he realizes he knows enough.

Walking out of the museum he knows exactly where he is heading and what he will do when he gets there.

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><p><strong>AN: I was in the process of a Supernatural fic when I saw the Winter Soldier and Bucky's character just grabbed me. I don't think I've felt so sorry for a character in a long long time. Stay tuned!**


	2. Chapter 2

He slowly stood amid the carnage surrounding him, eyes flickering from body to still body looking for any movement. His months of going after HYDRA bases and operatives had been successful. This was the last safe house he knew of in the area and tonight he would head to Austin to take out an operative HYDRA considered particularly crucial.

He wiped the blade of his knife on his pants before reinserting it into its sheath. Turning his attention to the files and papers on the table he swiftly scanned them to determine if there was any Intel on other bases, safe houses or operatives he had missed.

The papers were for a mission in Belize. A memory assailed him.

_"__Can he be trusted?" A man in a business suit stared at him critically._

_"__He is completely obedient to HYDRA." His handler answered. _

_"__Good, here is the target." _

_Gunshots resounded in his head. Blood everywhere, so much blood and screaming. He had to get away, couldn't be caught here. They would…he didn't know, but he knew HYDRA would not tolerate the incompetence of being caught once he was back in their custody._

He dropped the papers like they were hot, glancing around nervously as though he had been caught doing something wrong. He left the scene for the authorities to find and do with it as they liked and stumbled out of the house and into the wood seeking to distance himself and maybe rest before he made his way to Austin.

The fight hadn't gone easily, but neither had the last several. His twisted knee throbbed and the knife wound in his shoulder hadn't fully healed from the last safe house he'd raided. Bruises in various states of healing weren't anything he hadn't dealt with before, but his list of injuries was growing with each encounter with HYDRA and, since he gave himself little time to rest, exhaustion was threatening to overtake him. He wouldn't complain, the physical pain was almost a relief compared to the pain memories brought.

Memory. Something coveted in the past was now his worst tormentor. Sleep, however, was a close second. It had never occurred to him to be thankful for Cyro freeze or the drugs he was sometimes given to sedate him for sleep. His handlers probably didn't care if he had nightmares or not, just didn't want his body and cognitive functions impaired for his mission and even super soldiers needed rest. On the other hand maybe he was frozen and drugged for another purpose. Each time he drifted off to sleep new memories flooded his unconscious. Maybe they realized sleep and dreams wouldn't let him forget his past or present.

The man on the bridge was apparently part of his past, before he became HYDRA's deadliest solider. Part of him wanted to believe when he was told his name was James Buchanan Barnes. The memorial in the museum and subsequent information found after HYDRA was exposed only confirmed the truth.

The man, Captain America, Steve Rogers had apparently been James Barnes', Bucky's, best friend. For all of five seconds the Solider had considered seeking him out after he visited the museum. But the Captain was sure to be surrounded by others who would most certainly not be welcoming to the assassin.

He also had an unpleasant sensation when he considered talking to his former Mission. In the past the Soldier had no need for emotions, HYDRA was his existence and they made it clear his personal memories, emotions or thoughts were not welcome. Now, without HYDRA consuming his every waking minute, new feelings were starting to creep into his consciousness. Almost as if they were there and just waiting for the block to be cleared so they could pour out. Sometime he couldn't identify them, they were so foreign. What did he feel when he thought about approaching Captain America?

Was it fear? He couldn't think of a reason to fear him? Yes he was a strong opponent, far superior to the Winter Soldier in some ways, but on the carrier he had the Soldier at his mercy and did nothing.

Anger?

Shame?

Shame was an emotion he was quickly becoming accustomed too.

It was getting harder to breath by the day. One good thing about going after Hydra was it gave him a tangible enemy to focus on. Without them the only enemy he saw in sight was himself. And the questions in his mind threatened to drive him to insanity.

What kind of person allowed himself to become a monster? Any good soldier would have died before willingly killing innocents. He'd committed murder for them. Why? In hopes that they would spare his own pathetic life?

The price of disobedience became a price he was unwilling to pay and he became the gun in their hand. Why had he been so weak?

He'd lost count of the number of times over the last few months that he's put a gun to his head ready to pull the trigger, but he couldn't. Not yet. It would be selfish to end his own pain before he cleaned up a mess he was very active in making. He had helped spread the cancer that was HYDRA. And now that he knew the truth, he had to make it right.

He had never been sure if he believed HYDRA when they told him what he was doing was for the greater good. That would mean HYDRA itself was good and that was something he had a hard time reconciling. They stole his memories. During the last mission he had remembered and they had maliciously stolen those memories.

They often caused him pain, they said he was helping but they treated him with such contempt. He had assumed it was because he was bad himself.

He tripped over a root in the path falling and landing heavily on his bad knee. He welcomed the pain as he swallowed the cry, considering it penance. _God knows I deserve worse than this. _He thought.

He stayed kneeling on the ground only a moment knowing he didn't have much time to spare. He had to stay ahead of those who were after him. HYDRA, S.H.I.E.L.D., Captain American and who knows who else. Shakily getting to his feet and slowly continued down the path.

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><p><strong>This chapter was going to include the search on Captain American's front, but I got going with Bucky and decided to end it here.<strong>

**Next chapter will have Steve. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

"It's going well here." Natasha remarked. She and Nick Fury had been in Eastern Europe for the last three months with the sole mission of stamping out HYDRA bases where they found them. Since they left, Natasha had been checking in via video at least every 2 weeks. Steve wasn't quite sure of the purpose of these video chats. It wasn't like he was very involved with taking down HYDRA in the U.S. Since his release from the hospital, Steve's only focus had been to find his friend and bring him home.

"We flushed out two more HYDRA hideouts in Moldova." Natasha continued. "There are two more in this region we'll hit before deciding if we want to tackle Russia. It would be a good time. HYDRA's running scared. Their data going public plus losing a valuable asset they've had for 70 years really shook them up."

Steve's jaw tightened at the mention of his former friend and the predicament he'd been in for more than half a century.

He didn't think Fury liked his plan of going after the Soldier and Natasha outright declared it a bad idea. He had asked Tony Stark if there was some way to track him, but his inquires had been oddly deflected. Then Tony stopped taking his calls and Steve was too worried with other things to pursue it.

Sam was careful to stay neutral. He might be able to come the closest to understand how Steve felt losing a friend to war. But he'd also worked PTSD enough to know his experience probably wouldn't even be able to touch the issues of a 70 year prisoner of war whose will and self had been violated over and over.

"How's it going on the home front?" Natasha's question brought Steve back to the present.

"Another HYDRA base went down yesterday." Sam commented. "Papers, identities, even targets were found. Winter's knocking them down."

"Don't call him that." Steve snapped. Sam opened and closed his mouth before looking down. Natasha cleared her throat.

"Anyway, we think we've broken the back of the organization in Eastern Europe, it will be a long time, if ever, they can rebuild to their current level. The initial intel really helped us target key people and facilities."

"We can't afford to let them grow so large again." Steve said almost to himself.

"No arguments here. Keep me updated and I'll talk to you again when I can." Natasha said preparing to sign off.

Seconds ticked by in uncomfortable silence.

Sam looked down again. "Look, man I'm sorry, I-."

"No, don't apologize." Steve rubbed a hand across his forehead. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's just…it's been 3 months." He turned away from the map they had been studying as though it were too much to look at. "Three months and…nothing." He ran a hand though his hair and let out a frustrated sigh. "I can't believe with all this information on HYDRA we can't find him till after he takes down a base. We've been playing catch up for weeks."

"I guess they didn't call him a ghost for nothing." Sam commented. "We'll find him, don't worry. Although to be honest I'm more worried about what happens when we do find him." He added.

"He's taking down HYDRA. As far as we can tell he hasn't killed anyone else." Steve defended. "That's got to mean something."

"I just don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't know if you can help him." Sam started gently.

"Sam I _have_ to help him."

"He seems to be doing fine on his own."

"He shouldn't have to do it alone. He's been doing it alone for 70 years. Bucky was my best friend and a war hero and we left him in a canyon during the war. I didn't know he was alive then but I do now. He's not going to be left behind again."

"Man, I understand that, but you have to understand the issues he's going to have. We're talking POW times a thousand. We don't even know if the guy you knew is still in there."

"He didn't kill me." Steve stated resolutely. "He had a chance and he didn't. Then he saved me from the water. He's still in there." Steve turned back to the map and Sam let it drop.

Steve felt like he was at his wits end, but he couldn't quit, would never quit. When anyone even suggested Steve give up it was like he was immediately transported back to Brooklyn when he was a kid. He and Bucky had been inseparable friends even at times when Steve was sure it was a burden on Bucky. He remembered the older boy pulling him from fights, checking on him after school to make sure he was doing ok after another bout with pneumonia or other ailments. After his mother died, Bucky was constantly over with some excuse or another but Steve knew the real reason was to check on him and make sure he wasn't alone. Bucky had always stood by him, been his friend though thick and think. Steve would be damned if he would abandon Bucky now, after the most horrific time of his life.

Bucky had taken out every nearly HYDRA base in the country. A few they knew about and more they didn't. They were always just a little too late to catch him. Steve would never say it but he secretly worried who would be the focus of his wrath after he'd extinguished all of HYDRA he could find.

Sam didn't think they would ever really find him, he had too much practice and experience disappearing. Although, his last few hits lacked their usual tidiness, it was as though the Soldier was tired, injured or just didn't care anymore. Steve had thrown his heart and soul into the case for months and just kept coming up with dead ends. Sam knew the toll that could take on a person. He would often think of Riley and what he would do, the lengths he would go, to get him back if he found out he was alive.

Steve's phone started chirping suddenly jerking them both out of their thoughts. Steve flipped it open.

"Hello?"

_"Steve Rogers?"_

"Who is this?"

_"Maria Hill. I have some information that I thought you would want to know."_

"What's that?"

_"One of our data analysts has been combing though HYDRA records and we've come up with someone we believe may have been a former operative. His name is changed of course and he lives in Austin now, but all trails seem to lead to him."_

"You think Bucky will hit him next."

She paused. "_Right now it's the only lead we've got.__"_

"How have you had time to fine tooth comb through HYDRAs records? I though rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D. was all you had time for these days."

She let out a bitter laugh. _ "As far as Director Fury and I are concerned, rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D and taking down HYDRA are one and the same. S.H.I.E.L.D wouldn't have been fractured if it wasn't for them so we consider their decimation goal number 1. Anyway since I've heard you've had no luck targeting the Winter Soldier, I thought you might like to come along."_

"Name the time and place and I'll be there."

_"0600, we'll pick you up."_ There was a hesitation. "_Just a heads up, note everyone is thrilled with you going, but-."_

"Who, why?" Steve demanded.

_"They think you're too close to the Winter Soldier and-."_

"His name is Bucky and yes I am."

_"Think you're too close," _she continued_, " and you won't do what needs to be done if the situation gets messy."_

"You mean I won't kill him on sight." Steve challenged.

Agent Hill sighed. "_Captain Rogers, we want to bring him in alive, he'll have valuable information on HYDRA, but if he starts threatening the lives of agents…their safety will have to come first."_

"Then maybe you shouldn't send anyone to Austin but me."

_"You need back up to bring him in. Will you even bring him to S.H.I.E.L.D. if you manage to get him in your custody?"_

Steve went silent.

_"0600 Captain. Don't be late. Sam Wilson is invited if he wishes and we will use every available measure to bring your friend to S.H.I.E.L.D. alive and unharmed. I brought you into this because I know how much he means to you. Please don't make me regret this decision."_ With that she hung up.

Steve slowly lowered the phone. Sam stepped up behind him.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked quietly.

"Austin."


	4. Chapter 4

He couldn't recall a time when he was bothered by someone begging him to spare their life. Then again most of his kills were distant memories with the details so blurred out of focus it was a wonder he could remember them at all. Tonight though, to hear this former operative plead with the Soldier for mercy had caused him to pause. He was programmed to be a weapon, a killing machine, he was sure he had never paused before. And now, now that it was over, he felt numb and sick. The man he'd read about in the museum, Bucky, he probably would have felt sick if someone had begged him not to kill them. Then again Bucky probably would have let them live. Or maybe not, Bucky had "died" fighting HYDRA which at least the Winter Soldier was doing now. Better late than never he supposed.

His eyes swept the room automatically looking for threats. Finding none he slowly made his way for the door. Half way to his destination he found his body listing to the side. He caught himself on the door frame and let his gun clatter to the ground.

_Just need to lean here for a minute. _He sat heavily on the ground and rested his throbbing head against the wall.

_I should be moving._ The though floated through the buzzing in his head. He was so tired. Beyond tired and now without a purpose to drive him forward. He knew of no more bases in continental North America. Traveling abroad would be difficult with law enforcement and multiple agencies looking for him, to say nothing of trying to board a plane with a metal arm. HYDRA had always transported him in the past. He could sneak aboard or hijack a plane or boat, but…

He dropped his head. He was so tired, weariness and injury dragging him down. He soon realized just how exhausted he was when he began to stir, he didn't even know he had passed out, to the sound of someone talking to him gently. So very gently in fact he was hardly sure they were talking to him at all.

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><p>"We've located two heat signatures in the house, though judging by the rapid cooling of one he's probably already dead." Steve leaned over Maria Hill's shoulder to study the image on the screen. She glanced back at him.<p>

"Captain Rogers, I need you to follow my lead."

Steve straightened and gazed at the house before turning back. "Let me go in and talk to him."

"No, absolutely not."

"You said you didn't want anyone to get hurt. I think I probably have the best chance of talking him down." He reasoned.

"He's killed a man in there. He's been on a rampage for 3 months. What's to stop him from turning on you? You need to go in with a team."

"First of all, he's been killing HYDRA, same as S.H.I.E.L.D. And what's your plan? Tear gas, tranquilizers, you planning on shooting him on sight? I though you said we were going to avoid that."

"We are. No one has seen or talked to him. We don't know where his head is at."

"And we're not going to until someone talks to him. You walk in there with 20 armed S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and I'll tell you where his heads going to be. He going to react and it's not going to be good." She opened her mouth to argue so he plowed on. "Let me go in, just flesh it out. I'll be on my guard. I just need to see if I can get through to him first."

Agent Hill shook her head knowing she was losing the battle. "Go ahead then, but we'll be surrounding the house should he get past you and decide to make a run for it. You will alert us at the first sign of a problem."

"Of course."

"Ten minutes and we're coming in." She warned. Steve nodded and turned toward the house.

Sam had been standing within earshot of the conversation and now stepped closer to Steve. "You want me to come, man?"

"No, I've got it. Thanks." Steve offered him a grateful smile.

"You got a plan?"

"I'm working on it."

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><p>Steve walked to the house and put his hand on the door knob. Taking a deep breath he pushed the door open and walked in. The smell of blood assaulted his heightened senses. He shut the front door and passed through the hallway into the living room. He paused for a moment to check the body on the floor. He was indeed dead and Steve found himself feeling ashamedly relieved it wasn't Bucky.<p>

Stepping carefully around the body he proceeded quietly to the next room and stopped in the doorway dumbfounded. He's been prepared to talk down a violent, angry Bucky. Been prepared with reassurances for a confused or guarded Bucky. He hadn't been expecting…unconscious Bucky.

Steve approached carefully, trying to make enough noise so he didn't sneak up on the man, but the Soldier didn't even stir from where he was slumped against the wall. He was relieved to find that at least he was still breathing though his breaths seemed to be coming in shallow pants.

Steve crouched down to try and assess the situation. Up close the assassin looked even worse. His face was almost a gray color, his hair hanging in limp strands in front of his face. Under his eyes were deep shadows and his lips were tightened as though in pain. Steve longed to reach out a hand and claps his shoulder the way they used to offer to support one another. It saddened him to think how unwelcome such a gesture would be now.

While he wanted didn't want to startle Bucky or give him a reason to run, he needed to speed this along. S.H.I.E.L.D. crashing through the door would certainly not be an ideal way for Bucky to wake up.

"Bucky" he called softly. He received no response. Steve softly talked to him a moment more before the Soldier started to stir, slowly at first, until he caught sign of Steve. Then his eyes widened almost comically. He let out a growl and attempted to rise, until his legs gave way beneath him. Steve grimaced as he fell back to the ground and groaned.

Steve tried to look as nonthreatening as possible and held up his hand placatingly. "Bucky, it's me, its Steve." He swallowed the bitter irony as he remembered those were his words to Bucky when he'd pulled him off Dr. Zola's table over seventy years ago. Who knew that nightmare would lead here?

_"I'm getting him back now too."_ Steve told himself sternly.

"Bucky, I-." The scowl was back on Bucky's face and quicker than Steve would have thought possible, his metal arm shot out to shove Steve out of the way. Steve hit the wall but didn't even feel it over the panic that Bucky might escape again and they'd never find him or worse, he'd be shot down as he attempted to leave the house.

_"I have to stop him before S.H.I.E.L.D. does."_ Steve thought desperately. Luckily the Soldier seemed to be moving at less than half his normal speed. Steve was already recovered and across the room before he had managed a few faltering steps. Steve got between him and the doorway. "Just listen to me, please." He pleaded. The Soldier narrowed his eyes but didn't relax his stance.

"I just want to help you." He extended his hand and took a step forward, then froze when Bucky pulled back. "I want to help you, Bucky. Please let me help you."

Bucky just stared at him with frighteningly empty eyes and swayed slightly on his feet as though a breath of wind could knock him over. Steve swallowed fearing he wasn't getting through but refusing to be deterred. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is outside; they're not going to hurt you, but need to take you back so we can help you. You aren't under HYDRA's control anymore."

Bucky finally spoke, "I won't go with S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Bucky-"

"No!"

Steve knew he was running out of time to get Bucky out of there willingly before the S.H.I.E.L.D. team moved in. "S.H.I.E.L.D. won't hurt you, they're not HYDRA anymore." He tried to reason calmly. "They want to talk to you about HYDRA. I swear no one will hurt you and we'll find a way to get your life back. Please Buck, let me help." He finished pleadingly.

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><p>The Soldier was confused and the blood pounding in his ears only made it harder to think. The words were swirling around in his head. He had a life to get back? No one would hurt him? The Captain wanted to help him?<p>

His options were limited. He considered fighting. The Captain wasn't guarding himself properly and looked exhausted himself. If he considered the Soldier a non-threat or weak that could be to his advantage.

He considered running. There were two paths he could take to exit the home and possibly elude capture. But how far would he really make it in his condition and S.H.I.E.L.D. mostly likely had the place surrounded.

Every instinct told him to run or fight. His shoulders slumped. All he knew how to do was fight and kill.

"Bucky?" Concerned eyes searched his, they held nothing but compassion and kindness and something in him ached to see it.

In the end he didn't know if he shocked himself or the captain more when he raised his head and nodded.

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><p><strong>I've been reading fan fictions where Bucky is very emotional and a constant weeping wreck and while I have enjoyed the ones I've read, I have to keep reminding myself that isn't how I want to portray him. I think he would be much more like a hurt animal. Angry, wary, scared and dangerous. So I will be attempting to keep true to that image.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

Steve opened the front door of the house and his eyes immediately sought Agent Hill. When he found her he nodded and stepped over the threshold. Bucky paused behind him, tense as a bowstring, his eyes sweeping across the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. Steve could practically see him trying to form an escape plan.

"Easy Bucky." He murmured stepping back beside the man. He wasn't sure if Bucky relaxed at that or if Steve wanted it so badly that he imagined it. Bucky straightened up, took a step and stumbled. Steve grabbed his arm to keep him from collapsing to the ground and Sam moved forward to help. Steve caught sight of several agents bring their guns a little higher and he winced. He looked at Agent Hill imploringly and she hesitated before nodding and shouting out an order.

"Stand down."

"I gotcha, Buck." He said lowly in the other man's ear. The Soldier growled and pushed himself up and away from Steve while also sending a warning glare to Sam who promptly backed off. Eyes followed the Soldier and Captain as they walked to the van park on the curb.

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><p>The trip to the airfield was one of the tensest experiences of Steve's life. He could feel every S.H.I.E.L.D. agent keyed up, ready to react to the slightest movement. Bucky wasn't much better, his eyes cagy as he shifted in his handcuffs. Steve was afraid the delicate truce could fall apart at the slightest wrong move.<p>

It wasn't long after they got in the helicopter that Bucky began to list to the side. He became more belligerent, growling and glaring at anyone who looked directly at him, shrugging off Steve's hands when he tried to help. It was painfully apparent to Steve that Bucky was fighting to stay conscious and lashing out at any enemy he perceived in an effort to hide weakness. He knew the only reason the exhausted man was holding on to any semblance of consciousness was his distrust of the strangers around him and the paranoia of what would happen if he gave in.

Bucky's blinks became longer and slower and he eventually lost his fight and slumped against the door. Steve reached out to steady him so he didn't fall forward then kept one hand on the Soldier's real arm the rest of the flight. He knew Bucky couldn't feel it and even if he could, doubted Bucky remembered enough of him to connect him with friendship, but he hoped somewhere deep in his subconscious it would bring him comfort. He'd been studying Bucky wondering if he could read him the way he used to be able to when they were kids. This man in front of him was so familiar and yet so achingly different. One day he hoped Bucky would trust him again like he used to, but he wasn't fooling himself into believing it was going to happen soon.

Evidently Agent Hill had radioed in their situation, because when they landed a team was waiting with a stretcher. Bucky was carefully loaded and injected with a sedative. As much as Steve hated to see it, he knew if would be better if Bucky didn't wake until he was settled and so many people weren't swirling around him.

An agent approached Maria to tell her something that Steve couldn't hear over the noise of the helicopter. She nodded and turned to Steve.

"Captain Rogers, Director Fury is on video chat. He wants to speak with you." She looked over at Sam. "You're welcome as well, Mr. Wilson."

Steve hesitated, he eyes still following his friend.

"He's not going to wake up for a few hours." Maria reasoned. "Talking to the Director won't change that. Then you can go right back to your friend."

Reluctantly Steve pulled his eyes away. He nodded. "Fine."

He pushed down the rising feeling in his gut that leaving was a bad idea.

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><p>Fury was on the screen when Steve arrived.<p>

"I hear congratulations are in order." Fury greeted. "Any problems?"

"No problems." Steve answered.

"Captain Rogers talked with him and he came peacefully." Maria interjected. "He seems to be run down and possibly injured. He's being examined now."

"I see." Fury nodded. Steve wanted to find out where the conversation was going so he could wrap it up and get back to Bucky. "What are your plans for him?" He questioned.

The Director wasn't fazed by the abrupt change of topic. "We need to know about HYDRA and ensure he's no longer a threat."

"And after that." Steve pressed.

"What are your suggestions, Captain Rogers?"

"My plan is to help him." Steve said immediately.

"Does this plan to help him have actionable items?"

Steve paused before starting slowly. "Honestly, I hadn't really be able to plan that far in advance. I didn't know…where his head would be at when we found him. There were too many variables. I do know he's been used and controlled by HYDRA for 70 years. I don't want him to jump from one agency to another who only wants to use him for their own purposes."

"Do you feel we've used you?"

"No, I don't. But I also knew I had a choice on accepting missions or not."

"Captain, I have no intentions of using him against his will. The first thing we need to do is an assessment to find out where his head is at, as you put it."

"I promised him I would help him. I just don't want him to fall between the cracks again. Bucky suffered as much as anyone under HYDRA."

Fury studied him. "We will do what we can to help him, but you might need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he can't be helped. He's been brainwashed and reprogrammed by one of the greatest evils in the modern world for over 70 years. What if the programming has become too ingrained and he continues to pose a threat?"

Steve was frowning and shaking his head but Fury continued. "You know we can't let him out until we are sure he's rehabilitated 100%. I realize he was your friend and HYDRA put him through hell, but none of that changes the fact that he is incredibly dangerous. I don't want you to think there's going to be a quick or easy fix to this or that we can just release him. Don't forget he's tried to kill most of us in this room at one point, with varying degrees of success."

"He could be released to me."

"And one day you wake up and he's gone. Doing what he does best. Killing."

"He didn't kill me on the carrier." Steve said quietly. "He saved me from the river. I understand how dangerous he is, but I honestly believe the man I knew is in there somewhere. I don't want him locked in a cage like an animal. I owe it to him to try everything in my power to get him back. If it's too late…I'm just going to have to take that one day at a time."

The Director nodded. "Right now we need information on HYDRA. And we can't ease restrictions on him until we're positive it's safe. We can't put the public at risk like that, you have to agree."

"I do." Steve's shoulders squared. "But I want to be involved. Maybe it will help his memory if he sees a familiar face."

"I have no problems with that. Captain, believe it or not we have the same goal. You're just more optimistic it can be accomplished, but we'll do everything in our power to help."

"Thank you."

"As soon as he's well enough we need to start figuring out what he knows about HYDRA and assess what damage they've done to him."

"I might be able to help with the assessment." Sam volunteered. "See what level of PTSD he has."

"Sounds like a plan, gentlemen."

The Director signed off and for the first time in months Steve felt that things might start getting better. An alarm blaring shattered that illusion.

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><p><strong>AN: Not a lot of Bucky in this chapter. He'll be back for Ch 6 and soon we will have lots of Steve and Bucky. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you so much to everyone who is reading. And thank you for those who have taken the time to review. I have appreciated all your kind words and it motivates me forward to write!**

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><p>The Asset was covered his sweat and trembling in the restraints that held him fast to the table. His chest heaved as whatever he'd been injected with forced his body to come down from the brief adrenaline high of waking up in an unfamiliar place.<p>

He was back with HYDRA.

It was the only explanation his jumbled mind could come up with. Waking up among white coats speaking about him, but not to him always meant HYDRA. He'd attempted to fight but leather straps holding him down and his own injuries betrayed him and the needle in his arm made the world spin and go fuzzy. Cold dread filled him.

He screwed his eyes shut, not willing to face what would happen next. It was amazing how much worse the routines HYDRA put him through seemed after the months he'd been free of them. He used to accept his fate with little resistance, there was never any point, but now after his brief taste of freedom he very nearly couldn't stand the thought of more retraining, wipes, cyro freeze, drugs and punishment. It would be worse for resisting, for all he'd done to HYDRA. Maybe this time they would just kill him. Decide that the resources wasted on him were sunk cost and they would be best served just to get rid of him.

While his eyes were shut activity buzzed around him and he found images floating through his mind_. A blond man…Captain America…Steve crouched down in front of him with a look of concern, talking to him softly about…S.H.I.E.L.D.?. A helicopter ride and the world beginning to grey around the edges before finally going dark._ Brow furrowed, _S.H.I.E.L.D., not HYDRA?_ That was marginally better but not much. At least S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't make him kill for them. They would interrogate him, which probably meant torture. He steeled himself. He could handle torture. He had no qualms about telling them about HYDRA anyway so it didn't really matter. He had nothing to hide anymore.

The noises around him peaked into commotion and he opened his eyes to see what was happening. A man in a white coat to his right dropped to the ground like a sack of flour. He looked to the left in time to see another person collapse across his stomach knocking the wind out of him. She laid there until a hand grasped her shoulder and lowered her to the floor.

The Soldier found himself looking into the cold face of middle aged brunette. She lifted her hand and the sharp blade of a small knife brushed almost imperceptibly across his neck.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this." Her voice was soft and low, but sounded almost happy. He didn't answer, just met her gaze unwaveringly. "I joined S.H.I.E.L.D. to hunt down monsters like you." She continued. "I never dreamed I'd get the chance to be face to face with the man who killed my brother."

He attempted to struggle but knew it was useless when the restraints didn't give at all and the sedative was still flowing through his blood. He wasn't even sure why he was fighting. Wasn't this what he wanted, to be done, finished. He'd thought about killing himself; why not let someone else finish the job?

A thumb dug into his shoulder injury and he moaned before he could stop himself.

"When we started looking for you, I threw all my efforts into it and I've been rewarded quicker than I would have thought."

His shoulder throbbed where her thumb was still pressing.

"My only fear was that we wouldn't be able to take you alive and I'd never get to tell you what you did to my family. How you hurt us. I wouldn't get to make you suffer like you did us. Brian Greyson, you remember him? You cut his throat and left him to die. That's what I'm going to do to you." The knife which she had been running back and forth across the ridge of his throat, ceased its movement and settled against his windpipe, digging in slightly.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." The agent's head whipped toward the door and shrunk back slightly at the sight of Steve filling the doorway. She fidgeted nervously glancing between Bucky and Steve.

"How can you defend him?!" She finally spat, her voice trembling slightly. "You know what he's done. This can't go on."

"It's over Agent Greyson." Agent Hill stepped beside Steve. "He's in custody. He won't hurt anyone else, but you need to put the knife down."

"We know he's going to be given lenience because he's Captain America's friend. It's not fair and I'm not the only one who thinks so." She said defiantly. "I'm not the only one who wanted to do this."

"And yet you had to incapacitate two of your teammate here and one outside to do what you claim all of you wanted." Maria countered.

"They're not dead." Greyson said defensively. "I only knocked them out."

"We'll deal with that separately. Right not you haven't done anything terrible. Put the knife down before you do." Maria coaxed.

"HYDRA gutted us." Greyson's voice trembled. "They are the greatest evil we've ever fought and he's their weapon."

"He's a person." Steve snapped taking a step forward.

She flinched back and dug the knife deeper. Bucky's eye twitched and his lips tighten in a thin line. Steve froze.

"He killed my brother." She said quietly. "He ruined people's lives, I have to do this."

Steve's eyes were on Bucky. He didn't want him to get hurt further but he almost willed him to move. He needed just a small distraction. The distance was short, he was sure he could close it if he could only get her attention off him for a moment. Almost as if Bucky had read his mind, or maybe was just not ready to give up yet, his metal arm moved against the restraints. The woman's eyes jumped over to him. Steve took his opportunity and began to move. She shrieked as he hit her, taking her to the ground.

Maria and Sam moved in to help and it was only seconds before she was no longer a threat.

"Get some other medical personnel in here." Maria ordered to some agents over her shoulder. "And take her to a holding cell."

As soon as he was sure she couldn't do further damage, Steve had moved quickly to Bucky's side. The knife had slice deeper into his neck as he's pulled the woman away and was now bleeding freely. He snatched some gauze from the side table and pressed it to Bucky's neck.

"You with me, Buck?" Steve asked worriedly leaning over into his line of sight.

Bucky's eyes slowly slide over to his, but he didn't answer.

"It's ok now, she's gone." Steve comforted gently. Not that Bucky seemed to need gentleness or comforting. His eyes had stayed disturbingly blank during the whole ordeal. After briefly holding Steve's gaze they slid back away.

"You should have let her kill me." The quietly spoken words shocked Steve.

"What? Why?"

"She was right. S.H.I.E.L.D. is at war with HYDRA." He said flatly. "In war you kill your enemy."

Steve felt his nostrils flare in the now familiar protectiveness he experienced when he had to defend Bucky to someone. Apparently even Bucky himself.

"You're not HYDRA, Bucky, and you're not the enemy." Steve said tightly.

His old friend snorted.

"You didn't kill me when you had the chance." Steve argued. "You could have and you didn't." He almost smiled as he remembered how Bucky used to talk about how stubborn he was and too stupid to walk away from a fight.

Bucky's eyes flickered for a moment but stayed staring up and nowhere else.

"You're not the enemy either." He said so softly Steve almost didn't hear. Steve's chest constricted. He pressed the gauze more tightly and squeezed Bucky's arm. As Steve studied him he noted how he trembled slightly. He didn't know if it was from fear or cold. His skin was clammy and the dark circles under his eyes were starting to look like bruises. Steve didn't want to think about how difficult the last few months…or the many years before that had been on Bucky.

He tried to think of something else to say to comfort his friend, but honestly Bucky seemed to be taking everything better than Steve himself and without any reaction it was difficult to know what his friend needed.

Someone moved at his side and he tensed.

"Can I have that, Captain Rogers?" A young nurse smiled and gently took the gauze from his hand. He reluctantly released it but didn't step back until more medical personnel came in and he needed to give up his space so they could work. He moved to a corner and was humbled when Bucky's eyes sought him out as if to check where he was before they returned to his familiar spot on the ceiling.

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><p><strong>I have to say Bucky's voice is really hard for me to get down. I hope it is acceptable. I doubt it will be next chapter but hopefully the next one after that will have lots of Bucky and Steve. Thanks again for reading.<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for all those who are reading. Hope you are enjoying the story.**

**This is a pretty short chapter. I had hoped to make it longer but my sister's family is coming tomorrow. Her 5 year old will barely let me out of her sight so I don't anticipate a lot of writing getting done for the next 10 days. (They are so worth it though) :) So it was either a short chapter now or a longer chapter in about 2 weeks.**

**Again, thanks for reading!**

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><p>Agent Hill disappeared briefly with Agent Greyson. She reappeared a few minutes later and watched the scene between Bucky and Steve thoughtfully until Steve was forced to retreat to a corner.<p>

She walked over to him.

"I need to go make some arrangements. I assume you're staying here?" Her answer was a shaky smile.

She nodded and left again.

Steve never took his eyes off Bucky, even as he moved to a corner of the room to stay out of the way of the medical team. He was struck by how small Bucky looked on the table. When they first found his friend in that house in Austin he had been covered in layers, and curled in on himself. When he'd seen Bucky strapped to the table with a knife at his throat all he seemed to be able to focus on was the drawn face and dull eyes. But now that the danger had cleared and Steve could really study him…his friend looked terrible. In the stark light Steve could practically see every rib, bruises and scars littered his upper body. He could imagine the kind of care, or lack of that Bucky had received the past few months, maybe past 70 years.

Sam came to stand quietly beside him. "I know its hard, man, watching someone you care about go through what he has."

"I feel selfish Sam." Steve admitted quietly.

"What do you mean?

"He's gone through so much, practically hell, and I'm…just, just happy he's alive. It probably would have been better for him to have died, but I can't even bring myself to think that." Steve kept his voice low. "I just keep looking at him thinking, "Bucky's back"."

"That's normal, maybe the only normal thing about this mess." Sam tried to laugh but it ended up sounding forced. He hesitated. "Steve, you know…he may never be the person you remember. Every event in our life changes us, some are barely noticeable but others…I mean like this…" He waved his hand vaguely.

"I know." Steve nodded. He understood. He just hoped Sam understood it didn't matter.

Sam was silent, then, "You know my offer to help didn't end with finding him." Apparently he did understand. "I deal with PTSD every day. I have books and videos for vets and their family and friends. Hell, you can bring him to a group session if you think that would help."

Steve smile gratefully, "Thanks, Sam"

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><p>Steve noticed the change in Bucky's demeanor almost immediately. The nurse had just started to stitch his shoulder wound when his eyes flew open and he went rigid. Up until that point Bucky would open his eyes every few minutes and they would move lazily around the room, stopping when they rested on Steve before slipping closed again.<p>

Now, he was trying to remain stoic, but Steve could see his eyes darting back and forth, his breathing getting shallower and more panicked as he was poked and prodded.

Steve watched helplessly for a few seconds warring with himself trying to decide between staying put or going forward to try and calm Bucky. He honestly wasn't sure if having one more person hovering over him while he was strapped down would help or hurt.

_To heck with it._ He thought, abandoning his corner in favor of Bucky's side. He placed his hand on Bucky's arm trying to stay out of the nurses' way so they would have no reason to dislodge him. Bucky flinched at the contact and pulled at the restraints again.

"You're ok, Bucky." Steve said softly. "It's going to get better. We're trying to help you."

"Get me another sedative in here." The nurse stitching his shoulder called over her shoulder.

Steve's lips tightened and he glanced up. "Do you have to?"

The nurse gave him a sad, sympathetic smile. "It would be for the best." Steve's gaze didn't waver. She sighed.

"If you can calm him down, we'll wait on it."

Steve didn't answer but looked back down at Bucky again.

"You gotta calm down, man." Bucky didn't seem to be hearing him. He was panting and his eyes were rolling around looking for who knows what. Steve risked putting a hand on his check to turn Bucky's face to look at him. He cringed at the clammy skin beneath his palm but forced a smile as Bucky's eyes caught his.

"You're safe, Bucky, I promise. Just need you to breathe. They're fixing your shoulder up. I bet it's been a pain. You'll be good as new in no time." He smiled again as disarmingly as he could because Bucky was still staring at him. His brow was furrowed like he was concentrating, trying to remember.

Steve rubbed up and down his arm, hoping to work some heat into them. "You ok, Bucky?"

The Soldier's expression eased up a fraction. "Steve…?" His voice came out shaky and confused.

Steve couldn't help but grin. "Yeah, it's me. We're gonna get you through this, I promise. You can do it." He kept physical contact with Bucky while speaking gentle reassurances. The nurse smiled up at him as Bucky gradually calmed down.

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><p><strong>Happy Thanksgiving to all!<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you to everyone out there who is reading. Thank you also to those reviewing, it makes my day!**

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><p>Bucky had calmed considerably by the time the nurse had finished stitching his shoulder. The small cut on his neck was easily closed with a couple of butterfly bandages. Steve had backed up a few steps to let the nurses work, but stayed close by. When Agent Hill stepped back in the room, one of the nurses broke away to talk to her.<p>

"How's he doing?"

"Right now, he's in shock and we haven't had a chance to get him warm because we needed to see what we were dealing with. He lost a fair amount of blood from his shoulder and there's a possibility it might still become infected. He's also malnourished and exhausted and that's going to affect how fast he heals and recovers. His knee is fairly swollen but it's only sprained."

"No serious problems?"

"Not unless his shoulder becomes infected. Right now he just needs rest." knee

"Thank you." Agent Hill turned to Steve who had been discreetly listening. "Captain, can you come with me?"

"I'm not leaving him."

"I just need you to talk to the Director for a few minutes."

"I already talked to him!" Steve said angrily. "You told me last time it would just be a few minutes and look what happened when I left."

She corners of her mouth twitched upwards with a look he couldn't quite decipher. "I promise this time you'll be much happier with what he has to say."

Steve cocked his head but didn't move.

"Maybe Mr. Wilson could stay and stand guard." Maria suggested looking at Sam imploringly.

"Sure." Sam nodded looking at Steve.

Steve hesitated. He glanced over and found Bucky staring at him. Bucky had gained a lot of muscle since their days in the army and his metal arm glinted ominously, but laying on the table, pale and shivering, he looked smaller and weaker and maybe even a little afraid. Steve tried to imagine how it must be to wake up among strangers, injured and exhausted. That almost stopped Steve. But if he talked to Fury again maybe he could pitch for Bucky to be kept somewhere safer and homier than here.

"Can we get the man a blanket in here?" He heard Sam ask behind him.

Steve walked back to Bucky and laid a hand on his forearm. "I'll be back in a few minutes Bucky, I promise."

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><p>Steve followed Maria out into the hallway and down the corridor.<p>

"I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think he's safe here." He began.

"Really?"

"Of course not! You saw what happened. Greyson said others felt the same way, what happens next time one of them gets past your agents, heck, they are your agents!"

"We'll talk about it." She was so infuriatingly calm that Steve was nearly livid by the time they arrived at the communications room. Director Fury was on-screen.

"Agent Hill tells me there was a problem.." He greeted.

"We're managing." Steve said tightly. "We could manage better in a controlled environment so we could limit the number of people who have access to him."

"I agree, Captain."

"…What?" Of the responses Steve was expecting, agreement was not on the list and it paused the rant he had silently prepared.

"I agree that it might be better for Mr. Barnes to be at some type of safe house away from S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters."

Steve stared open mouth at Fury, and then turned to Maria. She smiled at him.

"Why the sudden change of heart?" Steve asked, suspicious.

"Honestly," Fury frowned. "I didn't anticipate problem with our own agents. I'm sure it was an isolated event, but I don't want to take that chance considering how long we've been working to bring him in. And you're right it would be easier to keep track of incoming and outgoing personnel in a safe house environment. I'm also working under the assumption that any trouble a safe house will be is going to pale in comparison to my having to fight you tooth and nail every step of the way." He finished ruefully.

Steve grinned.

"Agent Hill says he seems to respond to you." Fury continued. "We need to know what he knows about HYDRA. His cooperation will make it faster in the long run. And I know you have your sights set on rehabilitation."

"He's in there." Steve said confidently. "I can see it."

Fury made a non-committed noise. "I want to be perfectly clear. He's not off his leash. He'll have a tracking device on him at all times that Agent Hill and myself will have access to. He gets outside the approved parameter and he's back in S.H.I.E.L.D. custody with no more passes. One strike and he's out. Do you understand?"

"I do, thank you." Steve was too stunned for more than that. His mind was spinning with this new information.

"You can thank Agent Hill, she advocated on your behalf." Steve threw a grateful smile her way as Fury continued. "I'm sending Romanoff your way as back-up. I know you trust her and I think it's possible she could help."

Steve nodded. "When can we be transferred to the safe house?"

"As soon as the medical team releases him and we have the tracking device in place. What is his health status?"

"No major or permanent injuries, minor injuries have been attended." Maria spoke up. "He's exhausted and malnourished, but it shouldn't stop him from begin released."

"Good, get the tracking device on him and arrange a car. You or Captain Rogers will drive; I don't want any other agents to know their whereabouts."

"I'd like Sam Wilson to be in on this as well." Steve spoke up. "I think he could help Bucky and I trust him."

"Agreed." He paused. "Captain, remember, we're all on your side. You obviously have a more vested interest in seeing him rehabilitated, but that's our goal as well. We'd like him to end up on our side. I'm still holding doubts he can be brought back all the way, but we'll help you in anyway necessary. Don't shut us out."

"Thank you, I won't."

"Romanoff should be there soon. I'll check back once you get settled."

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><p>Steve felt lighter than he had in a while. He knew they were far from the end of the journey, but just knowing he could take Bucky out of here made it a better day than he had had in a while. Maybe even since the day Bucky died.<p>

In less than an hour Maria had made the final arrangement. She and Steve met Bucky in one of the conference rooms to discuss the new plan and expectations. Discuss was a stretch, Bucky, would nod once when asked if he understood, but other than that he did not speak and his face stayed blank. Steve grieved again the loss of his is expressive friend. The war had damped some of his natural effusiveness and HYDRA seemed to have crushed it the rest of the way.

Maria explained firmly, but not unkindly, the rules and consequences of not following those rules.

"Do you understand?" A nod.

"Do you have any questions?" Bucky frowned and paused a moment, then looked at Steve.

"Why are you helping me?" He asked suddenly.

Steve was taken aback. Not by the question, he knew Bucky probably didn't remember much of the last 70 years, much less the time before that. HYDRA would have kept those memories at bay, if not completely destroyed them, of that Steve was sure. He tried for a disarming smile. "We were friends, Bucky. I hope we still can be."

"I tried to kill you and you have no reason to think that I won't try again. You have no reason to help me."

Steve felt Maria stiffen beside him and he willed her to be calm.

"But you didn't kill me and you pulled me from the river when you could have let me drown." He said gently.

Bucky pulled back a little, his face twitched in surprise. "How do you know that? You were unconscious."

Steve smiled wanly. "Not as unconscious as you might think."

Bucky seemed to pull back in on himself and stared at the table before looking up at Maria, his face again a mask.

"I understand and will follow your directions, Agent Hill."

Maria glanced uneasily at Steve, but nodded. "Fine. Your transportation to the safe house will leave in 5 minutes."

Steve smiled at him but Bucky pointedly ignored his eyes.

"You said I wasn't the enemy, Bucky. Just give me a chance. Trust me." Steve said softly.

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><p>The Soldier couldn't remember the last time he trusted anyone, didn't know what the word even meant anymore. He certainly hadn't trusted HYDRA; he obeyed them but out of fear, not trust or devotion. He didn't trust the Captain, not really, and yet something about his concerned presence quieted the raging doubts in his mind.<p>

He tried to tell himself it was logic. The Captain had multiple opportunities to kill him, but had never finished it.

An enemy, or anyone, treating him kindly was so foreign as to be unnerving. He had no idea what to expect next. The only thing to do was keep his guard up and react as the situation unfolded. If the Captain did eventually attack, he could, and would, defend himself.

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><p><strong>I hope the change in Fury doesn't seem to sudden. My reasoning is Maria would have assessed the situation wasn't safe there and also would have been moved by his talk with Steve.<strong>

**I often think it must be very annoying for anyone with medical knowledge to read H/C fan fiction because I'm sure there is rampant medical misinformation. In a roundabout way I am trying to say I have no medical knowledge and hope my medical jargon wasn't too offensive to those who do.**

**Thanks so much for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for reading!**

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><p>"It's not fancy. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, kitchen and living room. There's plenty of food in the kitchen, everything is fully stocked. In the living room there should be books and DVDs to keep you occupied. We have a perimeter set up to alert you when anyone gets within 25 feet of the house. Can you think of anything else you need?"<p>

Steve glanced at Bucky, but his face had slipped into the mask of indifference again. The one Steve knew meant he was listening but had no opinion or certainly wouldn't voice it.

"I think we're ok, Agent Hill." Steve smiled, setting down the small bag of clothes they had stopped and gotten on the way in. "Can you think of anything, Bucky?" Bucky's eyes slowly slide from his sweep of the room to briefly meet Steve's before looking at Agent Hill and shaking his head.

"Very good. Call me if you need anything. I'll let myself out." She turned to go.

"Aren't we going to talk about HYDRA?" Bucky asked suddenly.

Maria and Steve both turned to him surprised. She hesitated and glanced at Steve. "I had planned on letting you two get settled and coming back tomorrow."

"There's no rush, Bucky." Steve said gently. "It might be better for you to get some food and rest."

Bucky shook his head dismissively. "We can eat while we talk and I can rest when we're finished."

Steve frowned, disliking the way Bucky shuffled off the idea of his own well-being. This was the first request his friend had made and he didn't want Bucky to feel like he had no say. He would just watch carefully and call an end to it if he observed the discussion taxing him too much.

"We can take breaks, when we need to." Maria reasoned. "Let's do this in the kitchen. If Sargent Barnes wants to tell what he knows who am I to stop him?"

Steve sighed. "Kitchen it is. I'll fix something while we talk."

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><p>Three hours later Maria left.<p>

Bucky was silent at the table, not even getting up as Steve saw her out. Exhaustion was evident in every slow blink. He had pushed through though despite Steve's many suggestions they quite for the day.

Steve picked up their bowls from the table ducking to meet Bucky's eyes.

"You ok?"

A nod but no eye contact. Despite the long meeting, and all the information Bucky had been able to give them, he had really told very little about his personal experience with HYDRA. Huge chucks involving his treatment or training was omitted. Maria didn't press, most of it was ancient history anyway and S.H.I.E.L.D. was far more concerned with what was happening in the present day. Some information he couldn't provide. Bucky was an assassin, unfrozen only when they needed him. He hadn't been privy to their grand schemes or detailed plots.

Steve took the bowls to the sink to wash. He glanced at the dishwasher briefly before deciding to do it by hand. There was a lot about the present day that he really didn't have any use for. He thought about Bucky's family before the war. With four kids, Mrs. Barnes certainly could have used a dishwasher. Steve almost smiled. He started filling the sink.

The chair squeaked behind him and he turned to see Bucky rise a little stiffly. He looked drained and when he stood he swayed slightly on his feet. The dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced and unless Steve was mistaken he was trembling slightly.

He took a step toward Bucky in case his legs decided to give way and tried for a smile. "I'm about to turn in, Bucky. Do you know which room you want?"

Bucky didn't of course, neither of them really cared. Steve stashed his stuff in the room closest to the door. Once Steve was sure Bucky was comfortable and didn't need anything, he returned to the kitchen to finish cleaning. He checked the security of the house before turning in himself.

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><p>It was 1am when Steve's eyes flew open. He didn't know what had woken him up. It was quiet outside, he didn't think he had ever slept anywhere quiet before. Brooklyn had been full of noise and the army, well 200 guys could never really be quiet either. But here, you could could hear a pin drop here. Steve frowned. He wasn't sure what he heard but decided to get up and check things out. He softly padded through the house not wanting to wake up Bucky. As he passed the kitchen entrance way he froze and his heart stuttered in fear.<p>

Bucky was sitting on the floor leaned against the cabinets holding a large knife with the blade resting again his neck. His head was tipped forward and his eyes were closed. For half a second Steve was afraid he was too late. The moon light coming through the window illuminated enough to see that he was breathing and Steve let out the breath he had been holding. He kicked himself for not removing the knives from the kitchen. It had crossed his mind but he didn't want it to seem like he didn't trust Bucky. And realistically, if Bucky really wanted to kill himself there were many other ways he could find to do it.

He swallowed and took a quiet step closer.

"Bucky." Steve called softly not wanting to startle him.

"Why do you call me that?" Bucky couldn't have been too surprised by Steve's entrance. He hadn't flinched at all.

"That's your name."

Bucky laughed humorlessly, never moving the knife. "That's the name of the friend you lost in the war. I saw the museum exhibit. I'm not him."

"You are." Steve argued. "I'll call you something else if you want."

"I didn't even think I had a name. Not till you told me."

"What did HYDRA call you?" Steve was almost afraid to know.

"Nothing, they would address me when they were talking to me." Bucky seemed lost in the memory. "They called me the Asset with they were talking about me."

Steve felt his blood boil at the thought of Bucky reduced to a piece of property, a thing to be owned and used and talked about as though he were not even in the room.

"I've told you everything I know about HYDRA." Bucky said suddenly. "I don't have any other information." Steve moved slowly and sat down across from his friend. Bucky lifted his head to watch warily.

"Is that why you were so anxious to talk, so you could go ahead and…kill yourself." Steve asked gently. Bucky hung his head. It pained Steve to see him looking so beaten down.

"I was waiting to do it until I could clean up the mess I made. Now that's done…there's nothing." He swallowed and met Steve's eyes for the first time, the shame and self-loathing evident. "I can't…can't deal with what I've done, the weight of it all."

"Bucky, that wasn't you."

"It was me, I killed those people willingly! The things HYDRA did to me…" His breathing hitched. "I would have done anything, killed anyone, to keep from being wiped again or have to go through retraining and reeducation."

Steve felt like his heart was breaking. Bucky had never liked being helpless, he was proud that certainly hadn't changed. It was easier for him to think he had willingly lived the life of a killer than admit he'd been tortured and brainwashed into doing HYDRA's will. "Bucky, do you even remember most of your missions? The fact that they had to keep wiping and retraining you is proof that you fought them constantly for years. They would never have had to do that if you were a willing killer. They forced you into the life of an assassin, with you fighting the whole way. It wasn't your fault, you were a prisoner of war with no hope of being rescued and they brainwashed you. It. Wasn't. Your. Fault."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew what all I had done." Bucky said softly, shamefully.

"I know what you've done Bucky." Steve said quietly. "I've read every word in every file HYDRA kept of your missions at least 3 times. It doesn't change anything I've said." Steve felt like he was losing the argument and he wasn't prepared to face the consequences of not coming out victorious in the particular battle.

"A lot of people…I was the last thing they ever saw. It was my finger on the trigger. How can I just…?" The knife dug in just a little deeper.

"Then start making it up," Steve said desperately, trying to think of some way to bring Bucky back from this. "Whatever you feel you own, start giving back. Just, please don't give up."

"I did make it up; I wiped out every HYDRA base that I could get to. Now I have no purpose. Nothing left for me to do, but die."

"You could fight beside me, like we used to. If you really feel like you have to make it up. There are a lot of people out there we could help."

Bucky was silent.

"Bucky, listen to me." Steve scooted a little closer. "When I crashed the plane in ice, it was 1945, I was sure I was dead, then I woke up in 2011 and it was…" He shook his head. "Everything I knew was gone. Almost everyone I knew was dead, just like that." He snapped his fingers. "I've just been wandering around without a clear reason. I help S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers when they need me, but I don't…I don't feel like I belong here, you know?"

"Is that why you almost let me kill you in the Helicarrier?"

Steve smiled. "I'm not that easy to get rid of. Bucky, you need to know how happy I was when I found out you were still alive. You're my best friend. You're my link to the past."

"You know I'm not the same friend you lost." Bucky said, but he had lowered the knife slowly during Steve's plea.

"We've both changed. Sometimes I barely recognize myself. But that doesn't mean we can't still be friends. I remember what we have in common and hopefully one day you will to. I just found you, Bucky, and I don't want to lose you again. Please don't give up. Not now, now that you're free. Don't take the coward's way out."

"I am a coward."

"Bucky, if you don't believe anything else I tell you, believe me when I say you are the bravest man I have ever known. Back in 1944 and now." Steve said seriously.

Bucky didn't move and Steve took the opportunity to slowly reach for the knife. He freed it from Bucky's grasp and the other man offered no resistance. Steve set it down a safe distance away.

He never took his eyes off Bucky. He'd never seen his friend look so lost and he almost wished for the defiance back.

Steve stood and extended his hand. Bucky stared at it for a moment, then reached out and grasped it, allowing Steve to pull him up.

"I'm pretty wide awake." Steve said lightly. "Want to watch a movie."

Bucky shrugged. "Come on," Steve cajoled, "you must be exhausted, it'll help you sleep. I'll fix us some food and we'll find something we can laugh at."

He steered Bucky to the couch. This would be good, it would give Bucky something outside of himself to focus on. He also wasn't keen on letting Bucky out of his sight at the moment. He'd already scoped the movies out earlier hoping there were some that wouldn't trigger anything.

Steve made a quick detour to the hall closet for blankets and pillow. He paused there for a second as he flashed back to the sleepovers they'd had as kids growing up. He'd give almost anything to be back in Brooklyn, before the war, when Bucky was safe and sound and everything seemed right with the world.

He sighed, that part of their lives was over, but they still had each other. He handed a blanket and pillow to Bucky on the couch before putting on the movie and going to the kitchen to start some popcorn. By the time he placed a bowl in front of Bucky and settled in the recliner, the movie had started.

He glanced over at Bucky to find him staring blankly at the TV not having moved from where Steve first sat him down.

"Hey." Steve said quietly and waited till the man made eye contact with him before smiling.

"I'm really glad you're back, Buck."


	10. Chapter 10

**This is a long chapter so it will probably be my last till after the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my readers!**

* * *

><p>It didn't take long for Bucky to fall asleep once he finally lay down on the couch with the blanket pulled over him. The former assassin was still exhausted from his ordeal and would probably take a while to make up the sleep deficient.<p>

Steve soon dozed in the recliner beside him. About 2 hours after Bucky had fallen asleep, mumbling and thrashing from the couch alerted Steve to the first nightmare. He had known it was coming; Steve still had nightmares from the things he'd seen: the war, Bucky falling from the train, going down in the frozen wasteland of ice, aliens in New York. He couldn't imagine what horrors played through Bucky's subconscious.

Steve threw back the covers and slowly approached the couch. Bucky's distressed mumbles were punctuated with soft noises in the back of his throat. Steve paused trying to decide the best course of action. He made a note to ask Sam the best way to deal with nightmare. While he was fairly confident he could protect himself, if it came to that, his main concern was keeping Bucky from hurting himself or doing something to cause S.H.I.E.L.D. to decide he was better off in their custody.

Bucky's metal arm tensed and slung out then curled back in over his head like he was protecting himself.

"Bucky." Steve called softly, then louder. "Bucky." He risked putting his hand gently on his friend's flesh arm.

The effect was instant. Bucky shot off the couch like a cannon ball. He pinned Steve to the ground growling and brought his metal arm up and across his throat.

Before he could press down, Steve flipped them so he was on top. He had to think of a way to snap Bucky out of it. He didn't want to fight back and give Bucky, already lost in the nightmare, another reason to keep defending himself.

Bucky lashed out again to flip him off, but Steve was ready. He let Bucky swing, miss and lose his balance, and then he grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard.

"Bucky, wake up!" He shouted.

Bucky started and pulled slightly away, but Steve wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

"You're safe Bucky, it's me, it's Steve. You're here with me and you're safe."

Bucky went still for a few seconds. He then reached out to push Steve off, though it was more half-hearted this time. He sat back heavily on the floor. A pronounced tremor ran through him before he seemed to get a hold of himself.

Steve dropped to the ground beside him.

"You ok, pal?" He asked softly.

"What happened?" Bucky asked dazedly.

"Looks like you had a nightmare."

Bucky nodded.

"Wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head quickly.

"You want to try to sleep a few more hours?" Steve asked, not wanting to push for an explanation until Bucky was ready to trust him.

"No I won't be able to sleep for a while." Bucky said resignedly.

Steve nodded, he knew what that was like, even if he would like to see Bucky get some more rest, he trusted him to know his own reactions and recovery time.

"You want some coffee?"

"I don't know. I don't remember it." Bucky sounded as raw as Steve had ever heard him; then again his defenses were still down from the nightmare.

Steve bumped his shoulder gently. "You used to love it and it tastes a lot better now than it did when we were kids. I'll make some."

Steve got to his feet and headed to the kitchen. He didn't want to crowd Bucky. He'd give him a few minutes to compose himself.

Steve had just started pulled out the coffee cups when Bucky slowly entered the kitchen, walking like he was cautious, bone-dead tired or both.

Steve smiled sympathetically and handed him a cup. We have sugar and cream if you want it too.

Bucky hesitated. "How did I use to drink it?"

"Usually straight black, but sugar and cream were both luxuries in those day. Now they're everywhere." Steve laughed because he didn't know what else to do. "Sometimes you would put sugar in yours." He offered.

Bucky nodded and took a small sip. Sitting at the table drinking coffee with his best friend and for all for all the world was going to hell in a hand basket, Steve was fairly content at the moment.

He cleared his throat. "Did you…did you have nightmares a lot before." It was difficult walking the line between his very real desire the know everything about his best friend and not wanting to push Bucky away or make him uncomfortable. He may remember every detail of their history, but Bucky was still finding is bearings.

"With HYDRA? No." Bucky shook his head. "I was either in stasis or drugged. But now…every time I fall asleep..." He said softly looking into his coffee cup. He looked utterly dejected and Steve felt guilty for making him confess it.

They fell back into silence. After a few minutes Steve noticed Bucky's gazed fixed on something beyond his shoulder. Steve followed his eyes to the knife on the floor that he'd had never gotten around to putting up.

"Are you going to tell S.H.I.E.L.D. about last night?" Bucky asked quietly.

Steve frowned. "Of course not."

"I thought you might. You're supposed to report problems to them."

"It's none of their business. Besides, I would be afraid of where they would take you." Steve admitted.

"Maybe you should let them take me, you could get on with your life and I could be locked away forever." Bucky seemed to be deliberately not meeting his eyes.

Steve laughed bitterly. "Weren't you listening last night, I don't have a life. I want to help you through this. You deserve a life too."

"Don't be too sure about that." Bucky continued to stare that the knife, so Steve got up and put in in a drawer and sat back down.

"Hey, Bucky?" Finally Bucky looked up.

"Will you give this a chance?"

"What?"

"Life."

Bucky laughed but it didn't reach his eyes. "I know what life is, misery and death."

"It doesn't have to be." Steve argued.

"It is in my experience. You're the predator or the prey."

"Bucky, you've been hearing HYDRA for 70 year, listen to some other voices."

"I don't know whose voice to listen to anymore."

"You'll find your way. You're the strongest person I know. Just let me help you and don't give up."

"I can't make any promises." Bucky seemed more devastated by that admission than Steve felt.

"We'll just take it one day at a time. You can forge your life the way you want it."

Bucky froze solid. "It doesn't matter what I want. What is, is."

"Ok." Steve said slowly. "Well what is, is you're free from HYDRA. You don't have to do what they want. You don't have to do what anyone wants except yourself."

"You can't change the past." Bucky argued.

"No, the past is part of us, it part of what makes us who we are, but we can decide every day what we want to do with that day and the future, you don't have to answer now but just think about what you want out of life Bucky. We can get there. One day at a time."

Bucky didn't answer, so Steve tried his hand at pleading. "Please don't let me find you here again ready to end it, or worse you've already done it."

"I'll try. I suppose I owe you for snapping me out of HYDRA."

"You don't owe me anything Bucky." Steve said sincerely. "I want you to do it for you, not me."

Bucky scoffed, so he decided to let it drop. He'd told Bucky what he believed. And he would help him.

* * *

><p>They sat at the table for a while. Steve could tell Bucky was tired and tense. He refused to sleep and Steve refused to leave him. On the bright side, it turned out Bucky loved coffee. He was on his third cup while Steve was still nursing his first and they were soon on their second pot.<p>

Steve couldn't believe when he looked at the clock and it was 5 am. He got up and stretched. Bucky tired eyes meet his and Steve smiled.

"Let's get some breakfast so that coffee doesn't sit on an empty stomach. We need to get you healthy."

Food was not going to be another challenge. Bucky wouldn't tell Steve what he ate while with HYDRA. He had no opinion on the food Steve suggested; either that or he wasn't willing to express it. He mostly pushed the eggs around on his plate and at lunch only picked at the chicken Steve made. There was no way Steve was going to force him to eat but it dismayed Steve to see how thin Bucky was. He needed nourishment to heal but seemed to have no interest in eating. Steve knew what Bucky used to like but this version of his friend was much harder to read.

As he was cleaning up the lunch dished, his phone beeping indicated a text and he read it quickly before turning the screen toward Bucky.

"Sam Wilson asked if he could come over tomorrow. He was with me at S.H.I.E.L.D. and in Austin. Do you remember?"

Bucky's eyes narrowed. "With the wings?"

"Yeah that's him. Do you think you would mind if he came over?"

"Why?"

"He counsels people at the VA. He thinks he might be able to help you."

"Why would he want to help me?"

"He knows a little about what you went through with HYDRA." Steve said carefully. "He helps people, veterans return to a normal life"

His frowned deepened. "I don't need help."

"Bucky-."

"Is this because of last night?"

"A little. Steve was striving for total honesty with Bucky. "But mostly because of the crap you've been through over the last 70 years."

"Do whatever you want." Bucky's nostrils flared and he looked away.

"Bucky, you're not a prisoner here." Steve said softly.

Bucky raised his eyebrow and pointed at the tracing device on his arm. "Ok." Steve conceded. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is tracking you, but I don't want to ever do anything against your will. You have a say."

Bucky still didn't look convinced so Steve held up the phone. "If you say no, he won't come. I swear."

As he looked at Bucky his eyes almost seemed to thaw a little. "Do you think it would help?"

"I do. Sam's great at what he does. He's a friend I trust and I think he might be able to help you."

"Fine."

Steve was relieved as he text Sam, but then another though struck him that made him cringe. He cleared his throat hesitantly.

"Although speaking of people coming over." At Bucky glare, he raised his hands defensively. "I have no control over this one." He paused again before rushing through it. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is sending Natasha Romanoff. She was at the bridge too. Red hair."

"I remember." His friend said tightly. Steve could almost feel the air chill, but he kept calm.

"Director Fury is sending her to…"

"Take me out should it become necessary because you won't."

"No!" Steve burst out. "No."

"Are you saying that to convince you or me?"

"She's someone I trust too Bucky." He said quietly.

"Why is she coming?"

"S.H.I.E.L.D. thought it would be good to have her around." Even as he said it he knew how it sounded and he wished he had pushed Fury more. He knew Natasha was only coming as back up, but saying that to Bucky wouldn't relieve his paranoia at all.

"It wasn't my call." He said honestly. "They wanted to send her. I don't even know if she'll be around here or stay on the outside."

Bucky stiffened and Steve grimaced. He probably could have worded that better. Few things were probably worse to Bucky than people he wasn't sure he could trust lurking where he couldn't see them. Bucky appeared to have shut down, he stared hard at his hand and had hunched his shoulders forward.

"I'm sorry, Bucky." Steve said sincerely.

* * *

><p>He hated this, it was just like HYDRA. People surrounding him he didn't know or trust. He supposed that was how life was.<p>

It wasn't completely the same. Steve was glaring example. He only seemed concerned with Bucky's well being. At first that made him suspicious, then confused, now he almost felt sorry for the Captain. He was clearly clinging to the memory of a best friend he had loved like a brother. That man had been lost but the Captain couldn't let it go. That's why he was pouring so much of himself into trying to help a lost cause. The Asset had promised the Captain he would try to make life work, he had no idea what possessed to make that promise, but he had so he would try. And maybe one day he could be some semblance of that friend that was gone.

* * *

><p>"Sir, I respectfully disagree."<p>

"Noted and ignored. Your job is to bring him back. Disable his arm, subdue and extract him. We'll handle the rest."

"Look at all the resources he's cost HYDRA over the years of his training. He had to be constantly wiped. With the rate his brain cell regenerate there was never anything strong enough to mask his past completely. And look what he did to our safe houses, he's a lost cause."

"Agent, the resources we've spent on him is why we have to recover the Asset. He is a killing machine. Just point him in the right direction and watch him go. It's beautiful. Don't worry, he will be punished, then rebuilt again as HYDRA's weapon. If the damage is too much, we reserve the option to terminate him. But if it comes to that I want him to know who and why and I want it to be painful. You and Agent Kincaid will leave tonight."

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><p><strong>I hope you all have a safe and wonderful holiday. Thanks for reading and thanks for the reviews!<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Got this one finished early. Hope you enjoy!  
><strong>

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><p>"You look exhausted, man." Sam said eyeing him critically. "Problems?"<p>

Steve stepped aside to let Sam in the door.

"Nightmares. Bucky only gets a few hours, then it takes a couple for him to relax enough to sleep again." He said speaking quietly.

The nightmares were hard for Steve to listen to. Bucky had talked and thrashed and clawed and growled and cried out. Sometime he sounded angry, sometime pained, sometimes scared. They all ripped Steve apart. Sometimes Bucky would jolt himself awake which was just as well because the few times Steve tried to rouse him had resulted in a physical altercation much like the first one. All in all, Bucky never got more than a few hours' sleep at a time and Steve insisted on staying up with him when it happened.

"Add to that that I told him Natasha was coming and I think he's freaking out about that." Steve continued. "I called Agent Hill this morning and she doesn't know Natasha's exact ETA."

They walked through the house to the living room where Bucky was sitting with his back to them on the couch. Sam was a little surprised he hadn't turned around.

"Sam's here." Steve announced. Bucky seemed to rouse a little on the couch but didn't turn around. When they got around in front of him and Sam got a good look he barely managed to keep the grimace from his face. Bucky looked worse than Steve and not much better than the last time he'd seen him at the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility.

He tried for his brightest smile as he held out his hand. "Hey, man. I don't think we've properly met. Sam Wilson." Bucky held his gaze then his eyes cut to the duffel bag Sam held. Sam lifted the bag slightly. "Some DVDs and books for you and Steve."

Bucky nodded and slowly raised his hand to shake Sam's.

"I thought maybe we could talk." Sam said conversationally.

"Steve told me, you help…people." It seemed like it was an effort for him to even say that much.

"That's right; I'm hoping I can help you."

Bucky snorted and leaned back.

"Do I need to leave or stay?" Steve asked.

"I think for the first meeting it would be better if you stay but that's completely up to Bucky. Do you mind if I call you Bucky or would you prefer something else?"

"I don't care what you call me. Steve can stay."

"You want to go outside?" Sam suggested. "It's a gorgeous day and sitting in the sunlight helps beat away depression."

Bucky pointed to the device on his arm, tracking his movement. "I don't know my range before this thing goes off." He glanced at it then quickly ducked his head and chaffed his arm like he was ashamed for Sam to see it.

"I doubt the porch is off limits." Steve said. "That would be a nice change, we haven't really been outside."

They settled on the back porch. Bucky continued to stare at Sam. His expression was haunted, so different from the driven killer they had fought only a few months ago. It was almost hard to believe it was the same person.

Steve and Sam were both surprised when Bucky spoke first.

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you and tore up your wings." He said simply and Sam saw guilt swimming in his eyes. Oh yeah, definitely a different person.

"No hard feelings." He said, meaning it.

"I don't understand." Bucky seemed to be getting agitated and Steve tensed. "Why do you want to help me? Why do either of you want to help me? I nearly killed both of you. I don't know what you want from me." He sounded beyond frustrated.

"We don't want anything from you Bucky. We just want you to get better." Steve said gently.

"That doesn't make any sense and that kind of thinking will get you killed."

"Bucky-." Steve started.

Sam held up his hand and turned to the former assassin.

"I think it would help you, Bucky, to realize we all have a common enemy."

Bucky cocked his head to the side.

"HYDRA basically kidnapped you and made you do things that you now feel guilty for. Would you have done what they told you to do if they hadn't made you forget who you are?"

"I don't know, there's no way to know."

Steve opening his mouth, but Sam stopped him again.

"Why did you decide to turn on HYDRA?"

Bucky was quiet. "I remembered…Steve on the bridge and then they wiped me. Then I saw…me…at the museum, who I used to be and I knew that they had lied to me."

"Right, they had to make you forget who you were in order for them to have any control over you. As soon as you remembered you turned on them. I'm familiar with the techniques of brainwashing and I'm willing to bet there was more involved than simply wiping your memory."

Bucky's mouth tightened.

"That's not important right now." Sam continued. "What you need to remember is HYDRA is our common enemy. They forced you to fight us. When we were fighting 3 months ago, our beef wasn't with you and your beef wasn't with us. We're on the same side, Bucky."

Steve didn't think he had ever been so grateful to anyone in his entire life. He could see the wheels turning in Bucky's head and while he didn't know if he would whole-heartedly embrace that explanation yet, he seemed to accept it for the moment.

"Ok, let me kind of explain what I do. I'm a counselor at the VA. I help veterans adjust to normal life after tours of duty. A lot of soldiers suffer from PTSD and I help them deal with the ramifications of that. Do you know what PTSD is?"

Bucky shook his head.

"It stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. It's how people respond to trauma they've experienced or witnessed. Some of the symptoms are nightmare and having trouble sleeping, flashbacks, feeling numb or angry, panic attack, memory problems, guilt or shame and severe anxiety."

"We used to call it shell shock." Steve offered.

"Right, even before it became an official medical condition people recognized it and its effects. PTSD is different than the average reaction to a traumatic event if it doesn't get better with time and it continues to disrupt your life even after several months. Its hold on you won't let go.

Bucky nodded and appeared to be taking in what Sam was saying.

"I try to help veterans deal with everyday life and triggers they might face. Like say you've been in the middle of a war zone and you come back home and your neighbor has a car that backfires. Sounds a lot like gunshots. The veteran can get pulled back in by a memory and have a flashback. Anything can trigger a flashback, it can be something that seems harmless. It's just an event or an object or an action that takes you back to that place. The treatment for PTSD is counseling or medication. I-."

"No!" Bucky shot out of his seat like it was on fire. "No." His eyes darted out to the yard like he was considering making a run for it.

Steve stood up just as quickly. "Bucky, its ok."

"No, I don't want to take anything. I don't need any drugs."

"You don't have to, I promise, no one is going to make you."

Sam slowly stood up and held his hands out apologetically. "Bucky, I'm sorry for bringing it up. I'm really not suggesting medication, most professionals don't, except as a last resort. I just wanted to let you know what's out there. I brought some other stuff that might help."

Sam grabbed the duffel bag he brought and shook it before sitting back down and unzipping it. Bucky looked warily at Steve who gave him a small smile and a nod. Bucky slowly sat back down but didn't relax.

Sam was pulling books out of the bag. "Today I just wanted to introduce myself and talk a little, then leave some materials with you. A lot of guys really don't want to talk at first, especially not a stranger. It's hard for them to show weakness around people they don't know if they can trust." He patted his chest. "You don't know me and I don't blame you if you don't trust me or don't want to spill your guts right away. I was hoping you could take the books and DVDs and use them at your own pace."

Sam laid out a variety of books and DVDs on the table outside. Bucky cautiously picked up a book and stared at it with his brow slightly furrowed.

Sam glanced at Steve with a mischievous glint in his eye. "You two old guys know how to work the DVD player or should I hook it up before I leave?"

Steve laughed and it felt good. "We figured it out, didn't we, Bucky."

Bucky nodded without looking up.

Sam smiled. "Bucky, the main you need to remember is that however you feel is a reaction to the trauma you've experienced. It's normal."

Bucky snorted. "Nothing about me is normal."

Sam smiled. "I can guarantee you your feeling are. Humans, we're mostly alike, we feel the same things and in most cases react the same way when we're hurt. A lot of these books and movies make a point to tell you that you're not alone, cause that's how it feels to people. Like everyone else has it together and they're the only ones struggling. There's also books discussing relaxation techniques and coping mechanisms."

Sam rubbed his hand together. He looked slightly more uneasy than before. "Do you mind if I ask you how much you remember." He asked gently.

Bucky frowned thoughtfully. He was learning his memories were sacred to him, like precious jewels that he was now allowed to keep. Hydra constantly wiped him; the only thing they wanted him to remember of the past was his training. Without the wipes and imprinting though, he was remembering more every day.

Memories of his childhood were always in pictures, no sound. There were people in them…people he assumed were parents and siblings, others he couldn't identify and Steve. Steve was in most of them, much smaller and sometimes almost sickly. He was usually smiling and sometimes laughing. His childhood memories were his favorite and he would sometimes sit and concentrate until his head hurt hoping to force them to appear.

His missions were the opposite, sounds, screams, feeling and sensations but few pictures for which he supposed he should be thankful. He didn't remember his time in the war at all and if he did they had gotten rolled into HYDRA memories. He probably remembered the most about his HYDRA handlers and training they had put him through. Those were the dreams that woke him up screaming or in a cold sweat.

He could certainly identify with what Sam described as small event triggering things. Over the last 3 months of traveling and fighting HYDRA he'd learned that something as simple as a penny lying in the street could trigger a memory. He never had any way of knowing what would trigger something and if the memory would be pleasant or horrible.

"Little pieces come back." He spoke slowly, thoughtfully. "It's been pretty regular since I left HYDRA and haven't been wiped or frozen."

He paused again. Sam nodded encouragingly. Steve looked very interested and it almost made him feel self-conscious. "Things happen during the day make me remember and I remember stuff and when I sleep."

"Do you have nightmares?"

Bucky swallowed thickly. "Yes, and then I remember."

"You ever have good dreams."

"No." Bucky said flatly. "I only remember good things when I'm awake."

Sam nodded and looked thoughtful. "Bucky…for what it's worth, I think leaving HYDRA took a lot of courage and I admire you for it. That's something you can be proud of, man."

Bucky looked surprised and then ashamed. He stared hard at his feet with his hands clenched at his side. Sam continued. "You might not believe it now but it's something you need to hear."

* * *

><p>Steve shut the door after Sam and turned to Bucky.<p>

"That went pretty good right?" Steve looked so hopeful it made Bucky's chest ache. He nodded.

Steve took a chance and put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. He tensed but didn't move away. "I want to second what Sam said out there about the courage it took to leave HYDRA. And I meant what I said the other night in the kitchen. Bucky Barnes is the bravest man I know."

This time Bucky did move away, shaking his head. Steve let him retreat. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"Which," Bucky waved his hand vaguely, "thing, DVD, do you want to watch?" He asked instead of answering.

All in all, Steve thought the day had gone great. Still, it had to be a lot for Bucky to process. Steve would just let him take his time. He put in the DVD and they settled to watch.

"I remembered you used to draw." Bucky said suddenly a few minutes into the program. He didn't know why he had wanted to wait until Sam left or why he had been so reluctant to share that, only it felt more special than some of the other memories.

Now though he was glad he told Steve. The other man seemed delighted and Bucky felt an unfamiliar warmth spread through him. Steve rotated in his chair so he was facing Bucky completely. "I did, I mean I do. Sometimes."

"What do you draw now?"

"Buildings, people, just things I see. I didn't bring my sketchbook with me or I would show you." He said regretfully.

Bucky nodded and hesitated.

"Do you remember something else?" Steve asked.

"I don't know, I'm not sure." He said frustrated.

"That's ok, Buck. There's no rush. You can think through it or talk through it, however you need to do. I'm willing to listen anytime."

Bucky pushed the feeling down, but he almost felt he was being watched while outside. It had disappeared for a while but now it was back. He couldn't think of a worse feeling in the world. Still it was just a feeling which was why he didn't mention it to Steve. Besides, it was most likely S.H.I.E.L.D., ready to take him out if necessary, or Natasha circling for the same reason.

* * *

><p>Tony was also feeling watched, which didn't make any sense. Jarvis hadn't alerted him to any threats. He was in his lab, in his building, there was no way he could be more secure. Still he turned around to confirmed he was alone and yelped.<p>

"Agg, geez what is wrong with you!?"

Natasha hopped down from the table nimble as a cat. "You know for a superhero you startle easy."

"It's my day off. How did you get in here?"

"My specialty is infiltrating places I'm not supposed to be."

"I have voice and iris recognition locks, automatic lockdown in case there's a breach, not to mention Jarvis."

Natasha smiled. "Pepper let me in."

"I knew it!" He muttered. "I have got to take away her access privileges."

"Uh-huh. I came here to talk to you about Steve."

"Steve in accounting? Nice guy, listens to rap. Can you believe it? A rapping accountant?"

"Steve Rogers."

"I doubt Steve Rogers knows anything about rap. I don't think he's made it that far in pop culture history."

"How would you know? Rumor is you haven't spoken to him in 3 months."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. is operating on rumors now, interesting. Can I start one?"

"He could have used your help looking for his friend."

"First of all, he's HYDRA's pet assassin, not someone you need as a friend. Second I recall hearing a "rumor" that you and Fury weren't exactly chomping at the bit to help him either."

"We're helping him now and I wanted to see if you would consider throwing your lot in as well."

"No." His voice lost the teasing quality.

"Stark-."

"I said no, you asked and I said no. Look, I know you know what happened to my parents so let's not dance around it. I know the theory is he was brainwashed and I guess I accept that. I'm not after they guy, I don't wish his any ill will, but I don't care what happens to him and I'm not going to help him."

Tony turned around and busied himself at his work table.

Natasha came up quietly behind him.

"Stark," She said softly. "Nothing is worse than waking up one day and realizing you were a pawn in someone else war and you were their puppet on a string. Never in control of anything, including your own life. I'm sorry about your parents, but he was not HYDRA's pet assassin. The things they did things to him that make your time in the desert look like a day at the park."

Tony kept working, didn't turn around.

"I think you should look deeper than HYDRA promotional sound bites." She placed a file on the table beside him. "See you around, Stark."

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading. Thank you for all who've taken the time to review. It means a lot to me. :)<strong>

**On a related note. I just read the synopsis for Captain America 3 so there is a small rant below. This may be old news, but I just read it so it is new news to me. :) Scroll for CA 3 spoilers**

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

**So apparently in CA3 Steve and Tony on different sides of the superhero registration issues. I really think this would have been the better plot of an Avengers movie rather than Captain America. I have nothing against Tony or the other Avengers but it seems, in this plot, that Iron Man and possibly other superheros will require the same amount of screen time as Captain America. Again nothing against him, I quite enjoy the Iron Man films, but it just seems a little unfair for them to have to share their movies. (Or maybe its only unfair to the fans, lol)**


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter is pretty short, but it is kind of a transition chapter into the next one where the action happens.**

* * *

><p>Steve was in the kitchen making lunch. Bucky had indicated it would be fine so he'd decided to let Sam and Bucky talk alone today. The last few days had been a roller coaster. His friend's moods were hard to predict. One moment it was like old Bucky was back and Steve could almost pretend things were the way they used to be. Then, just like that, he would switch to angry and defensive and nothing Steve said could break the barrier between them. Sam said that was normal. Often time's people who had been victimized were angry at their helplessness in the situation and would attempt to reassert control over their lives. Since survivors didn't often have the opportunity to take out their anger out on those who had actually hurt them, they would instead lash out at the people close to them.<p>

Steve hated those times, not just because it separated him from Bucky now, but because it reminded him of all Bucky had been through and was still dealing with. He was learning to accept it though and take each situation as it came.

He was trying to help Bucky make some good memories too. It wasn't terribly easy since they were confined to the house, but Steve tried to make the most of it by meticulously watching to relearn Bucky's preferences, preference he used to know almost as well as he knew himself. Time and HYDRA had stripped that away from them as well. Recently, he'd learned that Bucky liked coffee and popcorn. He didn't like eggs, no matter how they were cooked. He really liked the movie Sandlot, they both did. They had watched it multiple times and Bucky had almost, almost, smiled on more than one occasion. The boys in the movie reminded Steve of simpler times before the war.

Bucky also really seemed to want to see Steve draw. It was apparently one of the clearer memories from their childhood. Steve found a small notepad and pens in one of the kitchen drawers drawers he could use. He also text Sam asking if he would pick him up a sketch pad. He forgot how much he missed drawing; he hadn't drawn in a while. It had seemed selfish to take time for himself while they were looking for Bucky.

He strained his ear to pick up on any disturbances outside. He trusted Sam implicitly with Bucky, but he didn't want Bucky to feel like he abandoned him so he'd made point of making several trips out there to check on things. Over the last few days Bucky had watched the DVDs Sam left and paged through a few of the books. He seemed serious about getting better and Steve was more than happy to provide any assistance.

Sam had invited Bucky and Steve to go to a meeting as soon as S.H.I.E.L.D. cleared him to leave. Bucky balked and was decidedly less thrilled about being in a crowd of people but Steve and Sam had both assured him he didn't have to go until he was ready or never at all, if he didn't want to.

Steve was glad Sam was here today to give Bucky some more tools to cope because tomorrow Agent Hill was coming and wanted to discuss Bucky's future.

* * *

><p>Everywhere Tony went the file Romanoff left seemed to follow him. He didn't need to ask Jarvis to know Pepper was behind this. Damn her and her freaky ninja ways and nearly unlimited access to the tower.<p>

Tony finished his fourth glass of whiskey and stared at the file. He pulled it toward him, knowing even as he did it he didn't want to, and flipped it open. The file wasn't too thick; still it was detailed and seemed to only recount one specific mission of the Asset.

Reading past the clinical tone of an official report, Tony got the picture of a confused young man, who had already endured years of experiments and brainwashing. Some of the methods used were referenced with passing casualness as if they were talking about adding a part on a gun or trying out weapon's modification. Which Tony supposed, to them, that's probably what it was.

The report irritably recounted the Asset's hesitation at being asked to take out Stark. Though, when pressed, he didn't know why. The impatience to have this mission finished drove HYDRA's senior officers to ignore the handlers' recommendations for more programming and training. He was dispatched anyway. Their trepidation proved true when the Asset went the opposite direction of his target's location and then failed to appear at the extraction area.

He was quickly retrieved and put through another round of reconditioning and imprinting, tortured into submission for all intents and purposes, before eventually being sent out again.

Tony stared at the file for a long time. He sighed and poured himself another drink.

"Jarvis. Pull HYDRA files."

"Any in particular, sir."

"Yes, any that reference the Asset."

* * *

><p>He had moved from glasses of alcohol to bottles. Toward the end of his second one, he pulled out his phone and fumbled through a text to Natasha.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you so very much for reading!<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

Bucky was keyed up about something, but he refused to tell Steve what is was. Steve didn't think it had been Sam's visit and nothing unusual had happened today, well, nothing unusual for them.

They were both tired, exhausted really. Bucky still wasn't sleeping well and Steve didn't know if he ever really would. And after finding Bucky that first night, about to do the unthinkable, Steve now sprang awake at the slightest sound.

Since that night, neither had returned to their own rooms. Bucky never made any move to go back to his, seeming content to sleep, what little time he could, on the couch and Steve used the excuse of falling asleep to the TV to stay beside him in the recliner. Steve often wondered if Bucky wanted to be alone, but he never gave any indication he was annoyed with Steve's presence.

They were sitting quietly in their respective seats after Sam left and evening fell. Bucky was reading and Steve was drawing. Every now and then he would turn the sketch pad around and show Bucky. Steve's drawings seemed to be one of the few things Bucky took a genuine interest in and Steve was happy to indulge him.

"Steve." Bucky's quiet voice caused Steve to snap his head up. He hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep.

"Yeah?" He asked shaking his head to clear it.

"Go to bed."

"What?"

Bucky had put down the book he was reading and was watching Steve intensely. "I can't sleep, you can. There's no reason for both of us to be sleep deprived. So go to bed. You look like crap."

"I can sleep here." Steve defended. "I _was _asleep until you woke me up." He said mock accusingly. Steve was learning that sometimes he could gently tease Bucky. Most times he couldn't, Bucky took everything too literally, and Steve understood that. Still he hoped the friendly snark that had defined their friendship and colored their childhood would reach Bucky in ways other things hadn't been able to.

"You've been sleeping in that chair for days and its clearly not doing you any favors. Go to sleep in your bed."

"I…can't."

Bucky's face darkened. "You don't trust me."

"No, that's not it." Steve said quickly. He paused and Bucky looked at him expectantly. "I would feel guilty." He finally admitted.

"Why?" Bucky seemed genuinely puzzled.

"Because I would be sleeping when you can't."

"So it's better for me to feel guilty because I'm keeping you up at night?"

"You don't have to feel guilty. I don't want you to feel guilty. I'm a grown adult, and I can sleep where I want."

"You're sleeping out here because of me and we both know it."

"I don't mind, Bucky, really I don't. The chair's fine."

"Liar. I don't mind you sleeping in an actual bed. What's the difference in what you mind and what I mind? Let's just skip the argument."

Steve hesitated. "What if you need something?"

"You're not sleeping in Europe; you're in the next room."

Steve frowned again. Bucky turned toward the TV, effectively ending the conversation. "Put in Sandlot before you go."

* * *

><p>The Soldier didn't actually want to be alone. But there was no sense both of them being miserable. He was perfectly capable of handling miserable alone; he'd been doing so for years. He wasn't afraid of what was around him. He was afraid of himself. Steve being near was mercy and torture. Steve treated him like a person and a friend and, sometimes, that made it easier to act like one. But his programming also screamed at him to kill. Sometimes he saw the Captain's face and orders were all he heard. It would be so easy to fall back on what he knew.<p>

He promised Steve he wouldn't do anything, but he wished, not for the first time, that when HYDRA had found him in the snowy ground, that they would have just killed him.

He also needed to be away from Steve because he was afraid the discussion would eventually turn to his obvious unease throughout the day. He knew Steve could tell, but he hoped he wouldn't ask because he really had no explanation for it. He'd felt like a caged tiger all day, pacing the house with nothing to do but wait. For what, he didn't know.

As the movie ended, Bucky heaved himself off the couch to check the perimeter for the fifth time in an hour. That was another reason he didn't want to sleep, but it would be best for Steve too. With Steve asleep in his room, the Soldier was free to conduct his checks without interference or questions.

He checked each entrance on the front of the house. There was nothing there, he didn't know if he was glad his paranoia was proving wrong or dismayed that his senses could be so off.

He reached the door to the back porch and peered out.

It all happened at once, glass shattered in front of him and to his side. He swung and hit flesh; it was followed by a satisfying thud as the body hit the wall. The Soldier's mind quickly cataloged the weapons in his vicinity. None obvious, but he was more than adept at improvising. His eyes caught another figure in his peripheral swinging a baton toward his head. He easily grasped it with his metal arm and twisted down. As soon as he did, he felt a small thin metal rod shoved under the plates near the joint and main circuits.

White hot pain shot through his body and he barely managed to stay on his feet despite it. The metal arm couldn't feel per se but it was intricately connected to his nerves and spine to allow him to control it and feel what was happening. He was still trying to get his bearings when he heard yelling and two more figures appeared.

His heart sank. He could, and had in the past, handled 3 times this many, but with unknown damage to his arm and no weapons on him, he wasn't looking forward to the fight.

_Steve's asleep_, the thought sprang up in his mind. It surprised and dismayed the Soldier how much that thought of Steve being ambushed upset him.

It only took him seconds to realize one of the new arrivals was Steve. Bucky let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He could take care of the others that HYDRA sent, because there was no way he was going back, not ever. He would die first.

The Soldier grabbed the closest intruder by the throat and lifted them over his head. He could tell by the weight it was a woman. A flash of red caught his eye. He paused. His eyes meet hers and he stopped. He heard Steve yell in the background. It was the woman from the bridge, Natasha Romanoff. Steve said was sending her and he trusted her.

The Soldier stared at her for a few seconds longer. Then slowly, against every instinct and training and programming screaming through him he lowered her and released his grip on her neck.

She dropped to the ground, gasping for breath. She staggered to her feet and, barely sparing him a second glance, she darted through the door to follow the second agent who had taken the opportunity and escaped.

Bucky stood frozen. Steve was hauling one of the intruders off the ground. "You ok, Buck?" He asked over his shoulder.

Bucky didn't answer. He turned his attention to his arm, slowly rotating it and grimacing. He flexed his fingers and concentrated on shifting the mechanisms inside back into place. His handlers had never let him learn much about his arm or the workings but there were some things they had to tell him so he could keep it functioning in the event of mishaps during a mission until he could be retrieved. He knew the basics and he knew the workings of the arm were designed to move until they fit back into place together. If he could just move it enough.

Natasha appeared back in the doorway. "Sorry, Cap, he's gone."

"We've got this one anyway." Steve hesitated for a beat. "Bucky?"

"What?" He snapped. His arm was sending fire to his torso and it felt…odd.

Steve made quick work of restraining their captive and came over to gently lay a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "How's your arm?"

Bucky made a non-committal noise.

"Stark could look at it if there's a problem." Natasha chimed in.

Steve shot her a look Bucky couldn't decipher, which didn't really matter because there was no way he was letting someone, a stranger, look at his arm.

Steve looked resigned. "Maybe we should. I hate to drag Tony into this but…"

"No, no, no absolutely not."

"You're arm-."

"Is nobody's damn business. I can handle it." He growled.

"Bucky-."

"No! You said you I was free to choose. And I said no." He was appalled at how desperate he sounded even to his own ears, but he didn't care. Things were rapidly spinning out of control and he didn't know how to stop it.

"Bucky I'm not trying to force you." Steve said evenly. "I'm trying to convince you to accept help. I saw what they did to your arm. Are you saying it's nothing?"

"I'm saying it's designed to realign and repair itself."

"I'm sure it is to a certain extent, but how much is too much?" Steve argued.

"It's operational and functional." He moved it to prove his point, doing his best to hide the agony it caused him.

"Are you trying to convince you or me?"

Bucky scowled at him.

"Ok," Natasha said, breaking the tension, "so no go on the arm. What are we going to do with this one?" She jerked her thumb to the agent on the floor.

"Turn him over to S.H.I.E.L.D." Steve said grabbing the phone and punching in the number.

Bucky stalked over to where their captive was tied on the floor.

"Why are you here?" He demanded.

"I've come to retrieve HYDRA'S weapon."

"I'm not HYDRA's weapon."

The agent smirked. "You're whatever they want you to be. Come back to where you belong."

Bucky crouched down till he was at eye level and spoke softly but with a lethal tone. "I will never go back to HYDRA. And if I have to kill every operative I find, all the way up to the top, to send that message, so be it."

The agent just smiled, unfazed.

Suddenly Steve was beside the Soldier pulling him up. Part of him wanted to jerk away, but in reality his adrenaline was crashing and he was too tired to resist as Steve brought him into the kitchen and set him in a chair, facing the door, the way he liked. He then went to the sink and filled a glass up with water.

"Drink this." He said placing it in front of Bucky. He pulled another chair up beside Bucky and sat down. "You're not going back, Bucky." He said earnestly in an answer to Bucky's unspoken whirling thoughts. "I'll never let them take you back."

"What now?" Natasha asked coming into the kitchen.

"Well, I think someone should stay with the prisoner." Steve said pointedly.

"He's unconscious." She said calmly.

Steve's eyebrows went up almost comically. "How did that happen?"

"Really Steve?" She deadpanned.

"Never mind"

"I thought it would be better." She defended. "This way, Barnes doesn't have to listen to him; we don't have to guard him. Win-win."

Steve sighed. "Agent Hill said she's sending someone over and we'll be moving to a new safe house." He noticed Bucky staring at Natasha and smiled apologetically.

"Sorry, you two haven't officially met. Bucky, this is Natasha Romanoff." Bucky give her a small tight nod in acknowledgment but still regarded her with suspicious eyes.

"We still have the one who got away." She said turning to Steve.

"Did you get a good look at them? Steve addressed Bucky.

"Not really." He said reluctantly.

"Hopefully they can get some information out of the other one." Natasha said.

"Maybe. I don't know if Agent Hill is going to send you to the safe house with us or after him. I wasn't sure where Fury had in mind for you to end up."

"I think he wanted me here, to provide you two with backup. Agent Hill has some agents she can send."

Bucky felt he should have some input, he just didn't know what it should be at the moment. He was too tired to contemplate much. He tried unsuccessfully stifled a yawn.

Steve stopped and looked at him. It killed Bucky how much compassion he always had in his eyes when he regarded Bucky and this time was no different.

"Hey Buck, why don't you lay down and try to rest a little before they come?" He suggested softly.

Bucky snorted.

Natasha, who he still wasn't convinced he should trust, and a HYDRA agent were both in the house. Another HYDRA agent was loose and S.H.I.E.L.D. was on their way. Here he was, barely able to move his arm...Steve was lucky Bucky let his eyes close to blink.

He shook head slowly. "I'm staying up."

Steve looked like he wanted to argue, but decided better of it. Instead he got up and put on a pot of coffee. He then opened one of the kitchen drawers and came back to the table with a deck of playing cards.

"You remember how to play poker?" Bucky shook his head again. "Nat, you know how to play?"

"Are you kidding, I invented bluffing."

Steve laughed. "Let's see about that."


End file.
